Heath Ledger converses with Caesar Romero in hell…
Special thanks to Jon Mitchell.
The Reverend Al Sharpton called for a boycott of Niger on Sunday, urging Americans not to travel to or purchase products from the West African nation until its government agrees to a name change.
Speaking to supporters gathered in front of the Nigerien Embassy in Washington D.C., Sharpton called the county’s name “outdated and hurtful” and said that it was only one ‘g’ away from “total offensitude-ness.”
“For far too long schoolchildren studying geography have pointed to this county on maps and globes and giggled about it with their friends,” said Sharpton. “Well, I know what they’re giggling about, and the giggling must end.”
Although the nation of Niger is almost exclusively inhabited by Africans, Sharpton says that they too must refrain from using words that are only one letter away from being a racial epithet.
“If we expect other countries to refrain from using words that look and sound like offensive words, then we have to lead by example,” Sharpton said.
The rally was the first stop on Sharpton’s six-city tour aimed at building support for his new coalition, SOAC (Stop Offensive and Abusive Country names through personal responsibility). The group’s mission is to build the self-esteem of African nations by stressing positive aspects of African-American history. Members include will.i.am of the Black-Eyed Pees and Lethal Weapon star Danny Glover.
“What kind of country goes around referring to itself as Niger?” Glover said. “I’ll tell you what kind; a country that doesn’t know its history, a country that doesn’t know its roots. These people have never heard of Rosa Parks. They don’t even have an African-American History month! Well, this boycott is going to change all that.”
It is unclear what affect the boycott will have. Currently the Unites States has little or no trade relations with Niger. However, in 2007 Americans traveling to Niger spent a combined total of $3477 dollars, just over half of the country’s gross national product.
Although Nigerien officials have yet to respond to Sharpton’s demands, the Reverend remains hopeful that an agreement can be reached.
“They can name it whatever they want,” Sharpton said. “But I suggest ‘the N-Country’, Sharptanistan, or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard: the Country.”
Berlin (CelebJihad.com) – More than 200,000 descendants of the Third Reich lined the streets of Berlin yesterday hoping to catch a glimpse of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. The awe-struck crowd, desperately trying to alleviate its collective guilt by listening to a black man speak, seemed completely enthralled by the highly charismatic leader.
“Here I stand, the son of a Kenyan goat herder, before you, the sons and daughters of those who perpetuated one of the worst acts of genocide in the history of mankind,” Obama said to the mesmerized crowd.
“And I bring to you a simple, easily chant-able, slogan; yes we can!”
Upon hearing the slogan, the transfixed crowd immediately began repeating it unison until Obama signaled for quiet with his outstretched right hand.
In his 30-minute address, Obama did not overtly criticize President George W. Bush or his presumptive Republican opponent, Senator John McCain, but he did offer a gentle dose of criticism of his own nation.
“I know my country has not perfected itself,” said Obama, who apparently forgot that he was addressing Germans, the people responsible for World War I (20 Million dead), World War II (72 Million dead), and the band Rammstein.
“We’ve made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions,” added Obama, who somehow managed to keep a straight face while pandering to the Jew-hating Kraut bastards.
Despite jams at the entrances and poor reception at the back of the crowd, most of the fascist offspring appeared to be highly impressed with Obama.
“He’s cosmopolitan, not only American,” said Bruna Hoffman, a student of international relations from Berlin whose grandfather served in the Waffen S.S. and personally shot 53 men, women and children while occupying Distomo, Greece, in June of 1944. “He’s a world citizen.”
After the speech, as night fell on the capital, the crowd, armed with lit torches supplied by Obama’s field staff, goose stepped with clocklike precision to Obama’s hotel. Once in place, the crowd used their torches to spelled out “ja, wir können” as a stone-faced Obama looked on from his balcony.
Manfred Straus, 65, who drove all the way from Austria to attend the rally, said the event brought back memories of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s quieter visit to East Berlin in 1964, when he was a student.
“I thought, here is someone coming from the same place,” he said.
Added Straus, “Well, I’d better get going since I keep my daughter hidden in a secret dungeon beneath my garage, and I want to get back in time to rape her before my wife gets home from work.”
Obama travels to France on Friday.
A Los Angles County Judge ordered Kim Kardashian held in lieu of $250,000 bail Wednesday for allegedly torturing a live baby raccoon by pouring gasoline on it and lighting it on fire.
Kardashian, best known for her role on the reality television show Keeping up with the Kardashians, was taken into custody by Los Angels County Police on Tuessday after officers allegedly observed her chasing a small object that was on fire at the intersection of Florence and Normandie avenues. When police got closer, they noticed Kardashian running after the animal and pouring gasoline on it, said Christopher Malarkey, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County state’s attorney’s office.
The animal was euthanized a short time later, Malarkey said.
Kardashian was charged with one count of animal torture. She faces 2 to 5 years in prison if convicted.
Hi, I’m Chris Penn’s Ghost! I’ll see you in Hell if…..
- By age 42 you can make your heart implode from eating nothing but prime rib and drinking nothing but rare, mid-western whiskey…
- You can single handedly supply Madonna’s wedding with amphetamines, codeine, morphine, marijuana, an assortment of valium and 2 1/2 kilos of Bolivian coke…
- You’re into seducing and servicing three underage chicks while simultaneously rehearsing lines for your role as Tommy Onerato on the hit T.V. series Law & Order; Criminal Intent…
- While hanging out at the Playboy mansion you have mistaken Quentin Tarantino for a playmate. Then, while under the influence of alcohol and a cocktail of low-end meds, you’ve picked up said director and personally became responsible for his bald spot by pulling on his hair from behind…if you know what I mean…
- You’ve ever been too lazy to use a regular gas grill and instead used a 273 ft. long extension cord to hook up your George Foreman grill directly next to your poolside lawn chair, thereby enabling yourself to reach down and grab hotdog after delicious hotdog. Then, due to the mustard all over your hands that wound up getting on the outlet you were using, the fuse shorted out and burnt down just over half of the condo association you were living in, killing a few and injuring several others…..
There you have it.
If you do wind up making it down here, great! Look for me. I’m usually at the dog track giving myself a hand job all over the tellers face….ohh before I forget, I’ll personally show you the ropes in lovely Hell if you bring me the gift of all gifts; Astroglide.
Till then…
Yours truly,
Chris Penn’s Ghost
XXXOOOO
Police Academy star Steve Guttenberg is back, and he’s funnier than anything that has appeared on this site (yeah, we know, that’s not saying much). This is real, and it makes us so happy! Click here to read it for yourself. You’ll learn shocking revelations such as…
- Guttenberg refers to himself as “the Goot” and often says “the Goot is loose”
- He’s nailed a lot of women
- He’s writing an autobiography tentative titled Diary of a Seducer
- Lately he’s heard a lot of people ask, ‘Is Steve Guttenberg really that nice?’
- A couple years ago he got in a big fight with his mom
- A good gay rumor about him might not be a bad thing
…and so much more!
Trust us, we are not kicking a man when he’s down. This interview makes us long for the return of Mahoney in Police Academy 16: Back to Baghdad! Just read the fucking thing.
We caught up with Joe Piscopo on the set of his new film tentatively titled “My Shitty Vanity Project”.
CelebJihad: So, Joe, what made you get back into show business?
Joe Piscopo: What are you talking about? I’ve been working steady for 20 plus years now.
CelebJihad: Really?
Joe Piscopo: Obviously you haven’t seen many South Jersey car dealership commercials.
CelebJihad: Actually, I have an extensive collection of them.
Joe Piscopo: (Awkward Silence)
CelebJihad: Ok, so what brought about this latest project of yours? I understand you’re the writer, director, producer, and star of it.
Joe Piscopo: And I’m the craft service specialist.
CelebJihad: Sorry I missed that one.
Joe Piscopo: Well, after seeing that Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Adam Sandler all have unfunny movies coming out this summer I said to myself, “Hey Joe, you are twice as irrelevant and humorless as those guys! You should make a crappy movie too.”
CelebJihad: Interesting.
Joe Piscopo: Not to mention I have just as much, if not more, contempt for the American movie going public then Myers, Murphy, and Sandler combined! In fact, I guarantee my movie will deliver 200% more nut shots, midget jokes, gay jokes, and lame sexual innuendos than any of their films. We’re putting that right on the movie poster!
CelebJihad: Awesome. Can you tell me a little bit of what the story is about?
Joe Piscopo: What story? Who said anything about a story? This movie is two solid hours of clumsily setup and executed jokes! I might even throw in some played out pop culture references. Maybe I’ll call Britney Spears or Paris Hilton a skank.
CelebJihad: Why don’t you call them both skanks?
Joe Piscopo: That’s genius!
CelebJihad: Or better yet, call them cunts. Cunt is a funnier word then skank.
Joe Piscopo: Your damn right it is. Sorry to cut this interview short, but the grips looks like they’re getting antsy for their Starbucks. A craft service specialist’s job is never done.
